As I sat down to write this post I re-visited last year’s reflections. It’s a testament to just how fast the past year has gone by that many of the reflections I’d intended to include in this post were already fleshed out in that post. Looking back and taking stock of it, if the year leading up to my 33rd was an explosion of productivity, reflection and insight – this past year has been much more of a catch-up and logistics year. But, more on that further in. When I sat down to write this post, I honestly didn’t think I had much to add to last year’s musings. Now, a month and a half late and nearly 12,000 words later, I suppose that’s been shown not to be the case. This post is heavy on life reflections and travel considerations. Light on relational musings. As many have relevance across topics, there’s no particular structure or order, just various sub-sections that elaborate on various points of reflection.
As long-time readers know, every year I write a birthday post that contains general reflections, musings, and observations drawn from the previous year.
I hope you’ll enjoy these thoughts and take them for what they are – an attempt to share the world as I see it and how I relate to it. You can view my 33rd birthday post here, 32nd birthday post here, 31st birthday post here, my more detailed 30th birthday post here, my musings on turning 29 here, or 28 here. As well as a long-forgotten blog post written on my 23rd birthday (yeah, I’ve been blogging that long) which you can view here.
On Success
I’ve previously written about my desire to maintain balance between driven career development and quality work-life balance. Recent dynamics, elements, and refinement of skills have led me into territory where if I charted a more aggressive path and actively took targeted steps to achieve it, I’d be able to transition into an extended team management role in an established organization or potential CMO role in a high growth startup. While 20 or even 26 year old me would see this as a no-brainer, it’s currently a path I’m actively delaying.
This isn’t out of a fear of ability to deliver, lack of opportunity or discomfort. As I’ve written about extensively in the past and in the book, there is always the shadow of imposter syndrome nipping at me. Despite its presence, it’s something that I register and value, but have partitioned away. It’s hard to describe, but the closest I can convey is to draw a parallel to the good and bad angels each with a shoulder. Only, now, there’s not just a good and bad angel, there’s a caution angel as well. It drives me to excel, cautions me to remain humble, and nags with some doubts – but only in so much as other temptations and motivations. One internal voice among many that’s there, clearly defined, and easy to navigate.
Rather, the decision to focus on balance is something different. Mentors hear something different and misunderstand when I say “balance” and have tried to explain my current focus. They’ll quickly underscore that it’s easy to maintain balance as a team lead in charge of a large team or CMO. And like any skill, I don’t doubt that it is. But, the cognitive cost in both types of roles pivots from creative and fluid to logistical and empathic. They require a heavy investment in time, in mental energy, and in shower-thought bandwidth to tackle the constant mixture of challenges, opportunities, and dynamics that go into a role. From charting a high level strategy to navigating the complex interpersonal and employee based logistics that go into being an inspiring and effective leader. Even if a work day ends at 5, the part that we grossly miscalculate as a society is how we navigate and evaluate how the excitement, dynamics, and responsibilities/challenges of that role continue.
With time, I fully expect I’ll be inclined to pivot my life-style and priorities as a whole in a way that seeks to add more stability, enhance structure, and to re-order aspects in a way which will not only be conducive to the balance above pivoting, but actively a goal. But, for now, the goal is to rigorously defend and strike a balance that – of course – has degrees of that cross over, but which remains balanced enough to also provide room for numerous and significant creative and explorative projects.
At this stage in life, the area I get the most reward out of is the ability to dive into, explore, experiment and master a wide range of different hobbies and interests. By nature, what makes these compelling is how diverse they are – not confined by a specific medium, or industry, or institutional size. This creative space is incredibly challenging to keep vibrant and to defend. Through each of these annual birthday posts, it’s a common thread – how to navigate it – how to balance it – and how to still advance relationships, career, and other pursuits.
Routine
My daily routine remains structured in a way that’s designed to facilitate that. I live in the city center because it makes it easy to walk, wander, reflect, and to be exposed to a wide range of different people and the chaos of humanity. I don’t bike to work because the morning commute provides me with time to activate content, such as publishing photos, while listening to podcasts to jumpstart my mind. I then walk home because the 3.4 km / roughly 40 minute walk creates a barrier between work and post-work hours. The walk also re-oxygenates my body and mind and provides an active period disconnected from the computer where I can call and brainstorm with my parents or work through the podcasts I’m rotating through.
As I don’t have a partner, I’ll also normally eat along the way saving myself the hour to hour and a half of daily time spent shopping, cooking, and navigating all that goes with it. By the time I get home, particularly if it has been a particularly demanding day at the office, I’ll also take a 45 minute to hour long nap. Years ago I learned that there’s nothing as powerful as a nap for downloading, categorizing, and digesting data. Now, I can feel when the mental buffer is full, when I’m out of processing energy, and then I will nap accordingly.
This post-work 2-3 hour block is all about taking care of logistics, but also nurturing a state of creative energy and mental bandwidth ready and able to fiddle with new ideas, to be creative, and to chase flights of fancy. From this period comes a constant stream of podcast or walk-inspired ideas which range from everything from ideas for new entrepreneurial products, to musings on the global economy, relationships, or the how and why of what we do on a daily basis and what drives us. As I hate the single-channel nature of phone calls, this is also the one window of the day where I’m inclined to take calls and chat. That’s usually with mom and dad, but occasionally, I’ll schedule others.
From there several nights a week are spent on dance – salsa or bachata – I try and set aside at least one for dating, though often fail, and the rest for my own personal time to recharge, work on projects, or edit photos and video. Importantly, for me, this gives me the opportunity to learn to slow down and to pace myself and to really enjoy and immerse myself in each moment while remaining hyper productive and feeling fulfilled.
This goes hand in hand with my focus on travel and how I’ve built and designed key aspects of my lifestyle to enable and empower travel. But, more than that, when I speak to balance and defense of that other space, this is what I’m constantly working to refine. Mostly, because while I take immense personal pride in what I do at work and my career progression, achievement, and attainment that’s only one narrow piece of my overall definition of success and focus on life-richness.
The Career
Having said that, what of the career? For the past couple years I’ve sat with responsibility for our global product marketing as part of a Navy Seals styled marketing team. One of the quirks of Danish culture and by extension the concept of Janteloven (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wgde1m8jv-I) is that you almost always see Danish companies with under-sized marketing teams. The organization I work for is no different, magnified by being an engineering-first organization.
The end result is I sit with general responsibility for product marketing support for all six flagship products, across 26 core countries with products that operate globally. That funnels into an organization of roughly 900 globally with a user base of tens of thousands of clients. I do that as part of an 11 person marketing department servicing our global footprint of which three colleagues are focused on MarComm activities, four are designers, two are on events and PR under the guidance of my boss.
Given we’re competing against most of the world’s largest tech brands – Google, Facebook, Amazon, Adobe, Oracle and other well established niche players who are predominantly American and bring an American marketing-centric approach it creates an interesting cultural experience for me and wonderful set of challenges. The industry – advertising technology – is also at the forefront of many of the biggest conversations in technology and society. Democratized content, advertising, data privacy, machine learning and AI, etc. – which means things are rapidly evolving and constantly dynamic.
All of which feeds into a more general conversation and question that I’ve been exploring over the last year. Previously, my average tenure in an industry / role was around 3.5 years. Normally that included the year it took to get up to speed, a year and a half of extended learning, and then roughly a year of comfortable delivery before hungering for new challenges. February marked the four year mark for me in the current company and industry which also made for a good opportunity to step back and do a gut-check.
As I reflected on it, I was actually taken by how strong the social pressures are currently to change just for the sake of changing. We have pivoted now to a period of cultural FOMO that almost looks askew at anyone who isn’t jumping every year and a half. And, fair enough, all the indicators are that if your goal is improvements in title and pay increases these types of hops are effective. At the same time, given my focus is on maintaining balance and the value and positivity of my workplace culture – I’m looking at and defining success differently.
As I looked at my situation I came to a very different conclusion – I’ve still got more to learn in the current position and the opportunity itself is dynamic and exciting enough to continue to be very compelling. The advertising technology industry is, as mentioned above, absolutely fascinating. It is dynamic and fast paced and serves as the core arteries pumping the lifeblood of the internet from place to place. There’s sufficient dynamism there to keep it interesting and challenging for a long time. To understand it and what’s likely to come also requires a broad perspective which appeals to my generalist nature.
More narrowly, despite the periodic frustration that goes with major change, a rapidly evolving organization, and being perpetually undermanned in my given role. I love the challenge of it, and that one day I’m crafting a sales narrative for a new product launch with brilliant technical product owners and then the next discussing a thought leadership piece or keynote with members of our executive team. Anchored on both sides by truly brilliant minds who are world class at what they do.
I’m also fascinated by the progression and maturation of the organization. While a lot find the change from scrappy late-stage startup to global and more standardized organization unnerving, frustrating, or unappealing I view it as something else entirely. In no small part due to my time in M&A, when I look at how the organization has grown from when I joined – 15 or so countries and roughly 500 employees – to an organization in 26 with almost 900 employees, I’ve also been able to watch other aspects of the organization mature and institutionalize. I’ve seen major changes to the composition and nature of my own department, and my four year tenure has been split in half with time spent under two highly competent but extremely different bosses.
And I suppose of equal importance is the environment. I adore my colleagues, their energy, and genuinely love the workplace and workplace environment. As with any organization and the cycles that come and go, there are periods of ups and downs and where it’s more intense or strained than others. But, it’s one where I feel supported, engaged, challenged, and welcomed and as I get further into my career my appreciation for each aspect of that continues to also grow.
There remains the ongoing question and challenge of what and how to navigate the perhaps over stated but very real shift that happens in the mid to late 30s in how we’re perceived as professionals, career mobility, perceived competence/maximum ability and earnings potential. Pop and other mentors always stressed that when you’re a student and up until around 30, you’re viewed as a student or young professional which opens doors, coffees, and access. Now, further into the career and my 30s I can definitely feel that changing and pivoting. The implied expectation that you’re either competition, a threat, less competent, or should be able to go your own way grows but it’s also replaced by the ability to switch seats and to pay it forward / provide that type of guidance to the next generation of students and professionals.
This isn’t to say that opportunities for mentorship and insight go away or that doors shut. Rather, that the questions need to be more specific, complex, researched and challenging to generate. That you have to be more proactive in pursuing and generating those opportunities vs. having them more readily come your way, and that you have to also be able to bring more to the conversation.
With an eye to how that transition is evolving, I’m also mindful of the guidance that earning potential often peaks in the early 40s. That there’s a general bias that if you’re “CEO” or “CMO” material, you’ll have achieved it already and proven yourself in the role, and that from there it’s more of a plateau in earning potential. While I’m somewhat skeptical that this applies in the same way today as it has in the past, I already see the challenges it poses for other mid-level roles today and for friends who are interested in pivoting from executive assistant or teaching roles into alternate roles that have more of a senior or leadership style profile. But, I also look at the flip side of that for many mentors who scaled quickly, and now face the challenge of being seen as over-qualified or overly senior for a wide range of roles.
So, how to strike that balance? Which choice is right? What’s the right speed of ascension and timing? It really is a hard one to judge. In general though, I default back to the approach that has worked well for me to date. Am I learning? Am I stimulated? Am I picking up tangential skills that will be referentially beneficial in future roles/industries/etc? And is there a compelling thread and story through those experiences that I will be able to tell in the future?
The past year I’ve seen a lot of friends navigating the above in different ways and struggling with questions related to career, trajectory, and definition of self. I’m also increasingly reminded of the knock on effect uncertainty or lack of fulfillment at work has on all other aspects of life. It has the potential to poison our romantic relationships, to leave us feeling disenfranchised with where we live, and to be frustrated by the day to day experience. As an international sojourner/expat all of this is even more magnified, as is the potential to use relocation and change of scenery as a way to drastically bring about that shift.
This, in many cases seems to be a great solution, as there are many cases where it is essential to fundamentally re-work and re-write routine, ritual, and daily structure to craft a new and more rewarding life-balance and experience. At the same time, just as often, I increasingly see and believe situations where the baby gets thrown out with the bath water. Where a bad workplace environment, boredom, or other unhealthy dynamics tied to work or a relationship poison the air and suck the joy out of life’s daily experiences. In these cases, change is still essentially important – but more just a matter of pivoting to a new workplace or change of social routine.
Correcting the Career Narrative
Another area I’m increasingly fascinated by is the, what I now consider, utterly inaccurate narrative we have around life careers. In general the narrative that’s most commonly told is of the new defunct lifer who started at a company – worked their X number of years, qualified for pension and then retired. The qualification duration for most companies ranges from 15 to 20 years. A standard traditional setup in the US was to reach age 55 and qualify with 20 years of service. Meaning you’d need to lock into your primary career tract and employer by roughly age 35.
Perhaps I’m in an extreme minority, but the takeaway from this institutional narrative growing up was the need to find a career and decided “what I wanted to do when I grew up” and then to commit to it and lock in. With the implied assumption that any change or pivot would require a complete reset, be dangerous to long term prospects, and extremely difficult.
Which is complete and utter bullshit. I’ve brushed up against this topic in the past, including in Practical Curiosity, but as I look into it more, I’m increasingly convinced that the narrative is even further off and outdated than we assume.
The sum of the internet is 30 years old. The web, paired with digital computing, has delivered a sort of mass-extinction level one-two punch that has fundamentally changed the job landscape. Which, we talk about extensively in modern media. But, which also isn’t actually all that uncommon. It seems every half-century or so some such innovation comes along, shakes up the lego box, and dumps the pieces on the floor ready to be re-built.
About the only consistent in this is that it seems to accelerate over time and for each mass job extinction, the system that triggered the disruption leads to even more jobs but significantly – these jobs have a faster turnover period and shorter life span. A 6th century farmer was likely born a farmer and would die a farmer. In the modern landscape, the odds that you finish your career in the same industry or something closely resembling what you started in are slim to none. Partially because that industry probably won’t be there, or will require fundamentally different skills than you posses but also because your professional lifespan is exponentially longer and has significantly more flexibility.
It’s easy to look at life expectancy in most of the western world and how it has surged from somewhere between 50/60 years up into the 70s and 80s. More than that, the quality of your health across that upward trajectory also remains stronger with it entirely possible and common place to continue working in some capacity well into our 70s or 80s. All of which I’m sure rings familiar. Especially with the popularity of the book Factfulness this year.
But, where I find it interesting is when you take these two and overlap them. Somewhere in the range of 20-30 extra years of productivity paired with a significant increase in lack of stability in not just the jobs available on market but industries in general (ahh the sweet smell of disruption, right?).
Essentially, while the old narrative was likely somewhat accurate for my grandparents – after all, one was born in 1900, the other in 1916, it was already largely debunked by my parents’ generation and is not only counterproductive and wrong but downright rubbish guidance and advice for my generation and those which follow. A model that makes far more sense is one that not only accounts for and anticipates one career, but in practice three to four.
If we re-define a career not as a set period working for an individual employer, but expand that to better account for the current employment situation – then a career (or passion) period is somewhere between 10-20 years with the average in the 15 year range. By this metric, I can start my career at 30 and easily work three distinct careers and “retire” by 75. If I assume more mobility and take that down to 10 years a piece, I can start at 35 and still retire by 75. Beyond that, we can assume that even with some backslide when transitioning from industry to industry, each is incremental and adds experience which accelerates ascension or responsibility and mastery in the next. I spoke in part to how I’ve already seen this in my own career progression and I see strong parallels in the paths taken by mentors and many dynamic professionals. Which isn’t to say there won’t be some fields and personality types that manage to maintain and adhere to a straight line all the way through. Only that they’ll increasingly be the minority and on an optional trajectory, not a dominant one.
What does this mean for us? It means a focus on education, skills, and career development that is centered around adaptability and puts ability to learn and activate skills beyond the ability an excessive focus in a specific field or role. It means a pivot in focus that prioritizes the breadth and generalizability of skills over excessive specialization without potential for diversification. And it means that when navigating career changes, industry trajectory, and opportunity that the key is relationship building, competence, and domain knowledge. That so long as this is taking place, there’s not a set series of steps that have to be accomplished, or some set lock in where delaying or missing or taking an alternative approach to what’s couched as a key step is insurmountable. Ultimately, and importantly, it also means focusing on the richness of the experience and your personal health and development, not some horrifying over-stressed my-life-is-over deluge of regret and second guessing each time you pivot, make a change, or do something that doesn’t directly map one set of traditional skills to a corresponding set of traditional role development narratives.
So much of the stress, uncertainty, and unhappiness I see in peers stems from this uncertainty and constant questions of – am I making a critical mistake? – that I can’t help but see a reframing of the topic of fundamental importance. Of course, this is fundamentally different from running away from challenges, learning how to work through difficult situations, and the need to develop deep domain expertise and knowledge excellence. But, the key should be an aspiration towards competence and an ever expanding skill set. On the flip side as potential employers and interviewers, it’s important that we deploy a different skill set and value approach that goes far beyond simply asking if someone is too young, too old, too over qualified, changed too often, or any of the thousand other questions and assumptions we layer on candidates. Collectively, it’s on us to frame our own narrative and to decide where our competences are sufficient, can provide value, and need further refinement. From there, it’s a matter of overcoming our own stories, lockin, and the outdated myths we believe to attain success.
A Quick Hack for Reducing Stress
Quite by accident I discovered a wonderful mini-hack for dealing with stress and anxiety earlier this year. I use it when I have a lot of job stress keeping my mind racing, when i’m worried before an early flight, or in any situation where I have a high level of anxiety that’s keeping me awake or preventing a good night’s sleep.
We are, at our core, just mammals that prefer the comfort of a den or cave over the feeling of being exposed on an open plain. The fight or flight stress response that we have before stressful events makes it difficult to wind down, accelerates our heart beat, and floods our system with various physiological responses. In recent years, folks have introduced weighted blankets as one way of helping counter this. But, these blankets tend to be hot, are expensive, or can be a bit overly intrusive/don’t travel well with you.
Instead, I took a look at the general impact fight or flight has on our bodies. It constrains our breathing, vocal cords, and muscles drawing us down into a defensive fetal position. Which, is all well and good, but tends to be counter productive when in bed and trying to sleep. Here, instead, we find ourselves curled up in a position that re-affirms vs. reducing that feeling of vulnerability. Holding a pillow between your legs or over your chest mimics protecting vital organs and provides some comfort, but has limited benefit. Instead, take a second (or third) pillow and place it snug against the small of your back just above your hips. This only works if you sleep on your side, but you’ll find it instantly calms you and that proximity and contact seems to trigger some sort of evolutionary calm-down button. You’ll still probably want to meditate and take other steps, but I’ve found this simple step makes a huge difference. It’s also something that travels easily with you and doesn’t have a pharmaceutical impact. For travel or early wakeups, it’s also useful as you’re not in a position where you have to worry about over sleeping, or sleeping through your alarm.
A Change in Balance
This year marks the year where I’ve now lived in Copenhagen longer than I lived in the greater Phoenix area (4 years at ASU + 3.5 working my M&A job). At some level, living abroad always feels a bit transient. While I love and am open to indefinitely staying in Denmark, that’s not the absolute plan. In fact, it’s merely the plan for as long as I love it, like it, and find it gives me the rich life experiences I want and need. It could change tomorrow, or in 20 years time. Having said that, it does have that feeling of a second home – of having a space that is increasingly anchored, permanent and reflected in the core of who I am.
And yet, at the same time, part of that increasingly leads me to the need for intentionality in how I nurture, capture, and perpetuate that wonder and adoration for where I’m living and what I’m doing. I decided to stay in Copenhagen after my masters because I fell in love with the city and the experience. Over the years I’ve written extensively about that process. But, beyond that, and the part that becomes increasingly obvious and seems most often overlooked by internationals – is the need to work to counteract our innate tendency to adapt. I suspect it is like any relationship, if you take it for granted, if you just slip into routine, if you adapt to things without mixing them up or challenging them or pausing to really remind yourself what and why you enjoy key experiences – then you become disenfranchised, disconnected, and un-tethered.
I spoke to this earlier, but I think it’s something that also belongs in this section because it goes far beyond simply the experience of a sojourner and expat. I think it’s equally relevant for everyone living in a city that they’ve at some point enjoyed or loved. And, if you find yourself disconnected or unhappy about the city where you live – step back, change your routine, change your relationship with the city and see if that dissatisfaction persists.
Over the years, watching Danes navigate their own relationships to Copenhagen has been insightful. For all its charm, beauty, ease of lifestyle, balance, and historic beauty – for those raised here, it’s the status quo. Something normal. Something boring. Too boring. Too quiet. Too uniform. Take your pick. It’s only when Danes travel abroad, live abroad, or spend time away – exposed to and immersed in a wide range of other places. A year in London, two years in Singapore, etc. – that they look back to Copenhagen and see a city and experience through entirely new eyes. Even for those that never harbor an interest to return or are captivated by wherever they end up, most find a newfound respect for what the city has to offer, its charm and its magic.
So, with this in mind, I’d challenge those of you reading this post who are tired of your home city, or perhaps have never left for a longer period of time, to consider ways to re-examine and re-imagine how you interact with and engage with wherever you live. I suspect that part of the reason I’ve lasted in Copenhagen and found it to be such an easy transition is because towards the end of my time in Phoenix, I was not only very ready to relocate, but did invest the time to start to respect and love aspects of it. Ultimately, those weren’t enough to remotely tempt me to move back and I’m far far happier with the alternative. But, even that small change at the time fundamentally altered the richness of my daily experience and my feeling of contentment and appreciation for the city.
At the end of the day, I encourage people to increasingly work to understand the personality of their city. How it fits with their own personality. And then to approach that dynamic a bit like any relationship. Ask yourself how much time you should spend together, if you’re doing enough to keep things exciting, if you’re trying new things, if you’re stuck in a rut, if work stress is straining your relationship …. All of it. Do that, and you’ll find a happier path.
The Stories We Tell About Ourselves
I started this blog more than a decade ago as I was fresh out of University and gearing up for my first true solo adventure. VirtualWayfarer has some 619 blog post entries on it entered during that time. I’ve also added a bit over 18,000 edited finalized photos and taken somewhere between 100,000 and 150,000 shots in that time. You’ve probably noticed that the number of new posts and the depth of the content has fallen off considerably since I wrote Practical Curiosity. While VirtualWayfarer isn’t going anywhere, it is a mirror of who I am, my passions, my creative focus, and how I define myself. It also provides an interesting lens through which to explore another area I’ve been reflecting on a lot of late – how I define myself, the stories I tell, and the script I use.
For the better part of a decade part of my core script and identity has been that of a traveler. More specific than that, for much of it, it was that of a budget traveler – a backpacker – a hosteller. We all have these stories, and it’s always fun to ask people what their defaults are. You probably haven’t thought about it – but when you do, you’ll realize there are two or three defaults. Work is often one, though that depends a bit on the culture and our age. When we’re younger if we’re in college it’s what we’re studying in University and the passion that inspired it. For athletes its sport. For others its cosplay, video games, or some other expression.
As I sit perched, rushing towards the middle of my 30s and with more than 50 countries and the equivalent of multiple years worth of time spent on the road under my belt – my own definitions are evolving. Or rather, have begun to evolve already. And, to be frank, it’s disconcerting. The scripts we use and fall back on are the foundation upon which we build our narrative of self, it’s how we express ourselves to the world, and to a lesser extent it’s how we evaluate success and worth and achievement.
The reality is that while I’m still a travel blogger and travel writer, I am no longer first, foremost, or even perhaps in my top 5 a hostel backpacker. Oh, I still adore the experience, and will travel that way. But just as often and increasingly I’ll opt for a private room, or hotel along the way. I could herumph that hostels have changed, but the reality is that I’ve begun to drift into other areas of focus, passion, and sources for deriving pleasure. The novelty has faded and the conversations have slipped into a routine narrative. Telling the same stories, asking the same questions, no longer tempted by the late nights out exploring new cities and their night life, and the various drunken shenanigans and antics that define the delight of the 20-something year old fully immersed in the backpacker experience.
I wrote earlier that our careers change. Now well past the 10 year mark, I’m increasingly sensitive to the fact that hobbies – or passion periods – also change. Which is not only fair, it’s exciting. If I consider the 600 posts written on VirtualWayfarer and my propensity towards longer form content it’s not unrealistic that I’ve generated more than a million words here on the blog alone. So, as I come to terms with the idea of retiring or at least heavily depreciating my inner story of being a hostel/backpacker and perhaps by extension travel blogger, what springs up to fill its place?
For now, the pivot has been a gentle one. You can probably guess from seeing the content created evolve. Moving forward and for the last year or two, I can sense my focus has pivoted much more heavily to travel photography. When I sit down and think about what story I want to share, what motivates me to visit a place, and the lens through which I’ll digest it, experience it, and bring it back here to share with you all – it’s less the excitement of a narrative about the experience, or guide on the process and far more the opportunity to capture the visuals and to attempt to bring the magic of those experiences to you while instilling a visceral response to the imagery. And that passion shows. That story also shows. Which is why people assume that I’m a professional travel photographer or blogger, not the head of product marketing for an advertising technology firm. And that’s ok – because while both are stories I tell, both are ways I define myself and reflect my passions, the first is the one that currently most strongly resonates and I’m most passionate about sharing with the world. The one is my art, my craft, and the way I define myself. The other is how I explore, hone and express a different type of competence and excellence.
Other scripts I’ve told or continue to tell are that of a dancer. After all – for more than 14 years dance has been a weekly part of my life. It shapes how I move, how I interact with people, my health, elements of my dating, how I think, and the fabric of who I am. But, as with being a backpacker or a professional travel writer, it’s now a quieter thread and narrative. A hobby that sustains me, and I love, but not one of the passions through which I truly define myself.
Moving forward, I see many friends now going through similar re-definitions. As we collectively navigate our early 30s, we find ourselves re-examining the stories we’ve told since our studies. Most have accomplished a lot within the field or area they used to define themselves. Most still enjoy what they’re doing and engaged with. But, at the same time, there’s that collective sense of staleness. That moment when a passion pivots from something novel and new and energizing into something that you’re sustaining for the sake of routine or responsibility. Something that has become almost effortless. Which isn’t to say you don’t still treasure it, only that it has moved into a place where there’s too much pressure on it to be something it was but is no longer. The weight of needing to perform, to generate, to deliver and to showcase and affirm the claim you’re making externally and to yourself. The quandary of the travel writer who still loves to write, but who struggles to define himself as a travel writer when the last piece written was six months past.
Which has led me to begin to step back over this past year and to look at how I push myself outside my comfort zone, take the step to dive into something that I’m once again a total novice at, navigate through the challenges that go with it, and then work to re-establish mastery. All while accepting that it’s ok to replace being an accomplished travel writer with being an aspiring podcaster, entrepreneur, or – perhaps – something utterly different and completely outside the confines of my current script and definition. To take up singing? Or to re-discover my early childhood outdoors and bushcraft? To expand my position and competence in thought leadership as a technologist? Or something all together different.
It’s coming to terms with this transition, with letting go of some core scripts and freeing myself up to embrace and craft new ones, that will be an important challenge over the next few years. Some will remain and continue to mature – like travel photography. Others are yet to be discovered and the onus is now on me to focus on pushing myself to explore new situations, new art, new crafts and new curiosities to find them. Similarly, I’ll put it to you all to take stock of what scripts you fall back on. The ones you use on dates, at parties, when introducing yourself to colleagues, or when writing in a bio.
Burnout
Following on the previous chapter, another key area and consideration is the delicate dance with burnout. I started this post by talking about the importance of maintaining and developing strong walls between different types of spaces. But, at the same time, I’m also a terrible workaholic. I spread that intensity across a wide range of different interests, but I’m the first to admit that as much as I delight in the wide range of hobbies and passions I’m not always great at striking balance. Which I suppose is relatively evident by the fact that we’re now 6,000 words into a birthday post.
In general, I’ve developed a waterfall approach that helps me fight and balance burnout. Based on the above, I’m sure you have surmised that has the potential to be extremely intense, exhausting, and all consuming. I balance that in part by drawing lines and maintaining my creative space. I then have a series of must, should, and can do projects, tasks, and roles that I navigate through. This lets me pivot from one to another based on my mood, my energy, and ability to execute in an energized fashion. But, even this has its limits.
In practice I believe we do ourselves a disservice by not considering burnout more actively in our general sanity and health checks. When we ask people to create a five year career plan, or look at their wider life goals, how often is part of that – what will you do to avoid burnout, and how will you maintain passion, energy and balance? Far too often we tend to retrace the mistakes of a horse jockey, driving the horse forward with such intensity, and such singular focus on winning that, ultimately horse and jockey both either collapse just short of the finish line or manage to, win, cross the finish line, but at the cost of a rapid death or such damage to their health that they’re unable to do much more for months, if not years, after.
Far too often we look at and talk about burnout as though it’s a freak wave that comes out of the dark, sweeping us from our feet and knocking us to the ground out of nowhere. But it’s not. It’s far more like floating stands of spider silk, gradually layering one on another as we push forward – present, but gradual – until we’re so overburdened and worn down that we collapse from the weight, unable to move. The trick is to identify those strands early on, to pause to clean them, to re-focus and pursue other paths that bypass them, and to give them the attention and caution that are their due. The single biggest challenge I see most creators face is burnout. It takes many different forms, from drops in audience engagement, lower quality output, health impact, etc. – but at the heart of it, burnout is almost always there, as a core influence and cause.
Fresh Inspiration
The pursuit of, and exploration of fresh inspiration is another topic I’m particularly interested in this year. With many of the previous topics, the solution is, in part, the pursuit of new knowledge, fresh infusions of thought, and the temptation of new ideas. In the same way that travel informs and enriches us in part by exposing us to people, histories, and discussions we’d otherwise never have – podcasts, youtube, and related content has the potential to do the same. To a lesser extent books and audio books also offer this. But, the advantage less permanent and structure media like youtube and podcasts have over text, is that they allow more space for individual’s voices to come through. For divergence from a set or polished narrative, and the insertion of small insights, anecdotes, chunks of personal history, revelation, and experience.
This is where I tend to look at the digital media as a garden of muses, which should be cultivated with different types of content, different voices, different areas of focus, formats and ideas. But, from that cultivated garden, then you can choose where to deep dive and dedicate your efforts diving into a specific history, genera, or topic.
For me, these have largely been a focus on the existing life and entrepreneurial interviews via podcasts like The Knowledge Project, a16Z, Deviate with Rolf Potts or the Tim Ferriss Podcast. The wide scope of the interviews and the long-form nature of the conversations had with guests means there’s constant inspiration and relevant insights that I can glean that go far beyond the topic, career focus, or primary profile of the individuals being interviewed.
Similarly, I also deep dive into a series of education or critical inquiry based podcasts. Favorites at the moment include Exponent (Tech and industry), WSJ’s The Future of Everything (Futurism), Are We There Yet (Mars/Space), Revisionist History (Society and History), Planet Money (Finance), War College (Geopolitics), Fresh Air FP’s First Person (Geopolitics), Freakonomics Radio (Economics and technology) and others.
Paired with these, I use a desktop to do 95% of my photo editing and Netflix/Youtube watching. With dual screens this lets me work through several thousand photos a month, while also still enjoying content. While sometimes it’s just Netflix, more recently I’ve become a huge fan of incredible travel/landscape photography inspired YouTube vloggers. These bring a format that simultaneously inspires and educates my own editing and photography, while exposing me to incredible potential destinations, inserts a bit of humor, fills downtime, and pairs how-to tutorial, with nature inspiration, paired with the fun of a travel vlog or story. Chief among these are Thomas Heaton, Adam Gibbs, Nigel Danson, Fototripper, Brendan van Son, Morten Hilmer, Nick Page, and others like Mads Peter Iversen, Greg Snell, Ben Horne, Kim Grant, Andy Mumford, Michael Shainblum and Sean Tucker.
The Magic of Travel Photography
Maintaining travel inspiration shouldn’t be difficult, but surprisingly can be. I’m incredibly blessed to have been able to travel as much as I have in recent years. I now find myself in a position where, when I click into a list of the world’s greatest natural or historical wonders on National Geographic I recognize a majority of destinations from first hand visits. The explorer’s drive for natural beauty, far off places, and the wonders of the world is only magnified by my renewed focus on travel and travel photography. But, it also means I have to be careful to pause, revisit and appreciate the less grand experiences. To focus on familiar destinations like Scotland – a destination that I’ve visited 9 or so times in the past few years and am still delighted by. Or to visit countries or locations that lack grand scenery or spectacular history. Instead, focusing on what makes them special and unique in their own way.
That said … most of my favorite moments of the past year stem from incredible moments lost in the pure majesty of nature in some of the world’s most photogenic spots.
Once again, I’ve taken a week long solo road trip in a remote landscape. As I did five years ago, I flew into Scotland, rented a car, and then spent the following week left to my own devices and musings, driving solo through the remote regions of Scotland’s highlands, Skye, and North West Coast. In truth, this would have been a bit of a challenge and perhaps a bit more boring if not for my camera. But, the addition of camera and tripod as a muse encourages me to lock in on every minute detail, to chase back roads, to take small walks across the dramatic landscapes, and to spend hours lost in reflection and recharge. A prime example of the intensity and full activity of such a trip that I use as a mental marker is how long it takes before I feel the need to power up the radio or podcasts to keep me company during my drive. In this case, the first four days were spent lost in thought, the roads, navigating nature, or rambling to myself. It’s a deeply enjoyable experience and one well worth exploring.
Other trip highlights this year included sitting on top of a sea cliff, surrounded by puffin burrows, and a large puffin colony. Relaxing with my camera affixed to a collapsed tripod with only my friend Juan nearby. As we sat there, all of the other tourists long gone, the puffins kept a watchful eye on us but largely went about their business. This led to a series of experiences that left me feeling very much the part of David Attenborough. The gift of their tolerance of my presence and comfort with my proximity was breathtaking. The highlight of which included a puffin waddling by, watchful eye on me, beak full of fish, a mere 3 feet from me.
On my Iceland road trip to the far eastern regions by way of the spectacular black sand beach in September, my brother David and I had three moments in particular that infused me with such awe and wonder that they still give me goose bumps. Despite brutal wind storms, the first moment that caught us by surprise was moonrise on the diamond beach. All but a small handful of other photographers had already abandoned the beach for their cars, while David and I hunkered down in driving sand and caught the last rays of light. Then, to our delight and surprise, a glowing orange moon lifted above the horizon, launching into the heavens, almost like flare fired from a terrestrial launch pad. Later, with advanced planning, and a bit of additional luck (the horizon is often clouded over there), we caught it on our return drive westward, this time with more planning and beneath a full moon. Both natural sight and photos combined to deliver one of the most unique and beautiful moonrises I’ve ever seen.
Later on that same trip we cut across into a remote fjord. After threading over a snow kissed mountain pass, we dropped into the fjord. The crisp fresh dusting of snowfall faded to vibrant autumnal reds, yellows and greens. As we passed curious sheep, we paused at a extended series of waterfalls with rich blue waters. The path to them was lined with fresh wild blackberries and various other delicious autumn snacks. The mixture of moss, quiet, and the incredible fresh air paired with a near complete absence of other people – 2 other cars in 3 hours. Unfortunately, it was cut short by the realization that we had a massive bulge in our tired, paired with it being late Sunday afternoon, and the prospect of a rather uneven half-frozen rock road between us and the closest town. Luckily, we managed to reach a local repair shop who made a special pit stop to swap out the tire. And, as we’d documented the rental with photos, we were able to identify that the damage to the tire wasn’t us which in turn saved us around $300.
The final moment on that trip included a pause at a secluded slot canyon, cut into the volcanic rock by thousands of years of constant snowmelt. A favorite from previous visits, I’d never braved the tenuous metal chain bolted into the side of the cliff that served as a guide rope for navigating a series of almost invisible steps inches above a deep pool. With David behind me, we rolled the dice, and clamored along the edge, using the tension of the chain, and our legs against the rocks to navigate the slipper rocks before reaching a second set of ropes that led us up along and beside a small waterfall. From there, it was deeper into the canyon as the sun began to fall and the whole thing was cast in magical light. Eventually we reached the cutting edge of the waterfall, a beautiful sprawling curtain that rests in a bowl shaped cutout. The whole experience had the thrill of casual adventure and the feeling of magic and mystery befitting the secret entrance to an Elven city. It’s also at this spot that the idea for my new photography tool MistDefender came to mind. But more on that in the year to come.
Though most of the highlights of the past year included trips to colder climates, there were several to warmer ones as well. My introduction to Laos came with a week of magical relaxation and enjoyment. Lost in the sleepy pace of Luang Prabang while enjoying the company of other incredible travelers. It led to highlights such as lounging around a series of camp fires setup in an old volleyball pit behind a local bar discussing life, philosophy and our path in the world and afternoons spent exploring the surrounding vegetation cloaked countryside by moped or walking path. On that same solo trip, I found myself once again left to wander Hanoi – eating delicious food, exploring back alleyways, and marveling at the safety and hospitality of the Vietnamese people. Though perhaps my favorite moments cam in Tam Coc and the surrounding area down by Ninh Binh wandering the dramatic sandstone spires by moped, watching flocks of white cranes coast down dramatic flooded valleys while a wedding photography shoot took place on a rock in the middle of the stream. Local oarswomen rowing with their legs making their way by and calling out best wishes and advice.
Perhaps most dramatic of all the year’s trips was my adventure in Lofoten, Norway with Juan. Spurred on by photography and the pursuit of the northern lights we made our way above the arctic circle in early March. There we were met by a Norwegian archipelago that’s less sparsely inhabited than you’d think given its northern location, largely due to the benefits of the Gulf Stream. Despite that, it is awash in raw, rugged and pristine beauty. We lucked out with some of the clearest weather of the year to date, catching spectacular northern light shows beneath the milky way. Later, as the weather changed, we found ourselves similarly navigating whiteouts, blinding blizzards and crisp weather while spending hours out in -9 degree weather taking photos. Of these though, perhaps one of my favorites, was as we waited for a brief snow flurry to pass, watching the radar and hoping for a clear window to follow. With blasting wind, we turned the car to block most of it, huddled down against the tires, lit cigars, and enjoyed the view out across a partially frozen bay. The following day I’d capture one of my favorite shots from the trip similarly huddled behind a rock waiting for pea-sized hail and blasting wind to pass as part of a wave of weather that would sweep across the bay, obscuring things for 5 minutes, lighten for 15, then clear for 20 before repeating. As the latest wave of hail subsided, the clouds parted with a view across the bay of a partially cloaked mountain and storm tossed, hail covered seas. With a slightly extended exposure I captured the slices of hail paired with the drama of the clouds and sea.
Social Media and Happiness
I don’t think it’s a shock to anyone to say that I’m a voracious consumer of social media and also producer of content. I constantly have conversations with friends and peers who are avoiding, boycotting, or struggling to navigate social media in a healthy way. From flagging it as unhealthy, to worrying about privacy, or impact on social connectedness, presence, or all of the various other concerns regularly raised.
Perhaps I’m woefully blind, but I absolutely love social media and rarely find it to have an adverse impact on my mood, energy, or to limit me. In truth, I rely on it to maintain social connections I’d otherwise lose, I find it – as with any technology – empowers me to be more efficient, and gives me more room to navigate social connectedness while still being able to maintain my independence and recharge during my more introverted periods. I’m deeply immersed in the world of social influencers, and my feed is overflowing with politics, religion, and travel content. And yet, the way I consume and digest that content doesn’t leave me with many of the sentiments I often hear voiced.
True, I am agitated by the sheer level of ignorance, political apathy, and counterproductive behavior I see on a regular basis. But, that’s no different than I’d have via traditional news outlets or the forced pruning of my social circle in the absence of such channels. And perhaps where I feel the frustration the most of unreal goals is in the realm of photography where artificial, composited, or faked content is held up as something it isn’t. But, this again, is something I find social media helps to allay by sourcing good content, holding bad content to task, and helping shed light on the behind the scenes in place of simply providing a final stage for showcasing without context.
I suspect, and the reason I’m including this section, that the reason I enjoy social media in an entirely different way is due to differences in my approach. I inherently come at social media with a sense of agency. I believe strongly in the need to act independently, and to make independent choices. In this way, I don’t come to social media as simply a consumer – a helpless receptacle strapped in front of a PC. I come to it with a sense of ownership and responsibility. I don’t know if this is tied to my personality, my background in media, rhetoric and propaganda, or something else. But, when I approach social media, I’m inherently critical of all I’m consuming. I understand the algorithms sourcing the content, the incentives behind the content creation, and the process that drives it all. I bring to it a sense of optimism, and ownership over my own ability to shape my experiences and to be decisive. In Practical Curiosity I wrote about if-only, and shit-happens people. This is particularly relevant with how we digest social media, or any type of social experience.
While it’s true that unhappiness often comes from unrealistic comparisons and that this can be deeply frustrating, the simple solution is to lift the curtain, look behind the veil and to seek to understand what you’re consuming. Similarly, the most severe frustrations often come from situations where we see the need for change or an outcome, but refuse to take the actions to get us there. Sure, that’s not always possible, but in most cases – it’s just a matter of priorities, focus, and personal consistency and accountability. I don’t think that’s any more true of social media than it is in other aspects of our lives – be it looking to celebrities, mentors, colleagues, or “the Joneses” down the street.
Moderate Depressive Triggers
Upon moving to the Nordics from Arizona, one of the first action points is to figure out your vitamin D sources and to focus on ways to supplement your intake. While Copenhagen’s winter has nothing on its Nordic cousins further north, the long nights and cool weather definitely takes its toll. Out of this, I started to look into and explore the impact of vitamin D and its role in shaping mood and energy swings. I’ve never suffered from particularly strong bouts of depression, but as I get older, I’m increasingly aware of and able to track when I’m pivoting in and out of low periods.
In navigating these, the first step when I was younger was to track my behavior, and to become aware of my current mood and mental state by engaging in self-checks. Using self-reflection to track my own behavior, and to map the internal narrative against actual occurrences and environmental factors. From there, it was a matter of identifying the behavior I slipped into and mental narratives that were more prevalent when I was feeling down. I then focused on not rewarding that behavior by feeding a victim narrative or using it to attract attention by acting sulky/acting out. Then over time I focused on ways to disrupt these periods, to shorten them, and to change direction. Going for a walk. Taking quiet time to recharge. Modifying my diet. Firmly pivoting my internal storyline and narrative to re-frame or outright acknowledge and accept a more depressive narrative as what it was, when it was and progressing. Again, focusing on acknowledging it as just a natural ebb/flow and part of the process but also not giving it more fuel to burn.
In time, one of the most aggressive and obvious triggers was drinking. I’ve never been inclined to drink on my own, and luckily have never associated salving hurt with drinks. Which, I suspect, made it easier to identify the very clear connection between a hard night out of social drinking, and the feeling of being chemically and emotionally depleted for three to five days afterward. The more aware I was of the cycle, the more I reflected on it, and tracked it, the more I realized that it was far more than tiredness from a hangover, or late night. Rather, that my body had tilted into a state of chemical depletion and imbalance. That, during that period, the shortage of D and related vitamins had a pronounced impact on my energy levels and my mood. In the days that follow, I’ll catch myself being far more aggressive with myself, far more pessimistic, and generally less motivated and social.
In a similar fashion, I’ve also started mentally tracking my mood relative to other events. With introverted recharge tendencies, I know I need a lot of down time in controlled isolation to recharge. I know that periods of significant success or a high level of social “on”-ness also inevitably comes with a trough where the mirror to each of those positive emotions sweeps over me like a heavy blanket.
With time, I find the ebb and flow is just as present. If anything, perhaps more present, as my metabolism slows and ability to snap back and forth similarly slows. But, I also find myself significantly more centered. More in control. More able to identify and navigate the changes in mood, and to steer myself towards healthy decision making, and a healthier internal dialogue. As is so often the case, understanding something is empowering. Then focusing on listening to the signals, setting aside time to let my body recover, while leveraging mental exercises paired with nutritional tools (Vitamin D, fish, etc.) that accelerate that recharging and return to balance are an incredible asset.
I’ve decided to include this section here, as I see many friends navigating variations of similar challenges. Hopefully, if parts of the above sound familiar, then you can leverage a similar approach to experiment with and track your own process, flagging triggers, and working to navigate them in a healthy fashion.
Young Kids and Technology
Perhaps one of the most shocking revelations in the past year for me was the realization that the post-millennial generation is significantly more technologically illiterate than anticipated. When I looked at how to modernize education and digitize key elements in the late 2000s, we assumed that the following generation would be even more tech savvy, even more engaged, sophisticated in their usage, and capable. And yet, what we increasingly see is something different. It’s a generation that looks at and treats technology as a utility. In the same way many people now have no idea how a car actually works, how to perform maintenance, or even the nuances of basics like fuel – technology has made the similar transition for many young people.
Where a subset of Millennials – transitionals that learned and adapted to the web, were exposed to incremental changes in its structure, evolution and power, and as such retained insight into how it worked and the more manual steps required to navigate it – younger generations often lack that context or sophistication. Where we anticipated that they’d be more critical of things like misleading titles, more skilled at finding and digesting information, and more sophisticated in their application, often almost the opposite is taking place. The user experience has been simplified in such a way that, while navigation within apps and certain applications of the features within the technologies are quite advanced general criticality and usage of the technologies themselves seems to have dropped.
While this makes sense and has historical precedent – those who built it, understand it, while those who were the first or second generation using it and adopted it during that evolution, understand and apply it – those who come after often use it but cease to understand it. It’s a surprising and somewhat scary proposition that we increasingly face a technological landscape where the youngest generations lack the critical insights or context to vette and hold to account the technology or critically navigate it in a way that helps them control the experience they have and what they’re exposed to. In this way, increasingly, young generations face many of the same issues older generations face in differentiating between real and fake input, vetting and controlling material consumed, and navigating the sea of information out there leading them in turn to pull back and wall themselves off in more narrow and direct affirmation bubbles.
In truth, I have no idea how this will impact technology, social, and policy moving forward. It does, in part, explain what I spoke to earlier about the challenges people face in navigating social media. But, there’s much more to it when one considers the impact for new technologies, innovation, the ability to execute in job functions, criticality, and nurtured discovery. I in no way fear they’re a lost generation, or incapable or incompetent. And I full expect that they’ll have new spaces, technologies, or innovations where they similarly differentiate themselves. But, it does put millennials in a unique position, and helps explain why the behaviors, outlook, and world view which shapes many millennials and their actions differs significantly from what we initially expected.
Bundling and Unbundling
One of the most interesting concepts I’ve come across in the past few months is that of bundling and unbundling as a lens through which to explore and understand industry trends. I believe my initial introduction to the concept came from Stratechery / Ben Thompson though the concept is increasingly making an appearance in technology-related conversations. Particularly where media and online streaming are being discussed.
In summary, the concept is quite simple. Basically that industry or technology is always going through one of two phases. A bundling – where different organizations, technologies, capabilities, or geographic regions are being swept up, combined, and then re-sold or marketed as a package or unbundling – where the opposite is taking place.
Where this becomes fascinating is when you use it as a macro tool for exploring general trends in the market. What was napster doing to music? Providing a tool for bundling. What did YouTube do? Served as a bundling tool for digital video. What are we seeing now in both channels? Fragmentation and increased complexity, added cost as they’re once again fragmented, split apart and unbundled with new competitors, multiple options and added complexity re-introduced.
To a lesser extent, you can use this for traditional business trends and even geo-politics. What is a certain political group or nation state doing? Bundling power, control, and geography. What is one doing that’s going through a period of disruption? Likely the opposite. Or in the case of non-technology businesses, this covers the core behaviors that lead to monopoly and then in turn disrupt that monopoly.
Looking forward, I find this to be an incredibly useful lens in understanding where technologies or industries are likely to go. Making sense of what otherwise can seem like a chaotic or overly controlled process, and in helping step back to track probably cause and effect in contrast to giving in to the temptation to get lost comparing subtle nuances or effect with effect, neglecting the core cause or motivational trend driving it.
In Condoms (Female Condoms)
Over the years I’ve seen mention of, packages of, and come across what I generally referenced and associated with as female condoms. The logistics seemed challenging, and in my general ignorance, the uses also seemed somewhat limited and likely to significantly reduce pleasure and sensation. But, by way of one of my favorite youtube channels, I recently realized just how little I actually understood about In Condoms. In general, I blame Arizona’s abhorrent sex education program for the general ignorance. For those that might recall previous posts – I also only learned in my early 30s that flavored condoms were flavored to benefit oral sex, not to cover the latex taste during oral play after penetrative sex. Which, explains the whiskey flavored condoms I saw in Scotland on my first exchange and always thought must have been super uncomfortable – but, I digress.
As it turns out, what are commonly referenced as female condoms, should actually be referenced as In Condoms (as opposed to exterior or out condoms, like the standard condom). In the video Dr. Doe explains a series of use cases which go far beyond traditional vaginal use. For those curious, the video is here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klyGIKsfx7k). Even if you’re like me, and don’t see yourself exploring any of the primary use cases, it’s a great insight/piece of knowledge and context on a taboo subject that I suspect many young people would benefit from.
Evolution, Ovulation and the Clitoris
While more on the scientific side of dating, sex and relationships than I normally focus in these posts – another fascinating video which also came from Sexplanations was this interview with Brit Garner of Nature League. In it, Dr. Doe and Garner discuss recent research into the role evolution plays in shaping ovulation, copulation, and the location of the clitoris. I suggest everyone watch the full interview for better context (view it here).
The primary premise is that research has shown that animal’s social structure shapes if they have cyclical ovulation or induced ovulation. Induced ovulation is more common among animals that are more solitary and which are more dispersed – think big cats. For these animals, sex tends to be fast, and involves specially shaped penises that effectively scrape the walls of the vagina to induce ovulation (yikes). More social animals have a very different social construct, which in turn, leads them to be more likely to be co-present and the ability to rely more on environmental or cyclical triggers for ovulation. This leads for entirely different mating behaviors, a significantly larger distance from clitoris to vagina, and cyclical periods of fertility vs. induced ovulation. Lot more in the video, and well worth checking out.
Co-Present Independence in Relationships
On the dating and relational front, perhaps one of this year’s most interesting realizations is one most of you will find shockingly rudimentary. It’s something I’ve always been aware of, but never distilled down to a very simple perspective, but find to be a really interesting lens through which to explore relationships.
One of the primary issues I face when brushing up against relationships is the extreme time commitment that goes with them. Cozy time, cuddle time, down time, TV time, social time, etc. all comes together to be extremely time consuming. In the dating stages in particular, from that moment of first meeting through the evening and well into the following day, you’re in effect exclusively locked in with each other. Which is delightful. But, with it, comes a significant opportunity cost and routine disruption, which is why highly busy people tend to, I suspect, struggle with dating. This is compounded and continued in the early stages of a relationship as time spent together is almost entirely exclusively dedicated to the act of being together. Again, not a bad thing, but a very disruptive thing.
The interesting realization was that, this then heads in one of two directions as the relationship matures. Either, it continues on that pace and with that type of energy – which many couples thrive on and enjoy. Or, the couple inevitably finds a comfortable balance between co-present time spent together, and co-present creative or collaborative time. This second relationship structure actually presents an opportunity to free up time and energy at a level that brings things back into near balance with a single lifestyle, if you take into consideration the time consumed while single by all-in dates, and related activities.
In this way, the approach I’ve taken to relationships has been a bit off. Instead of approaching a potential partner with the assumption that she has to have such great potential, connection, and energy that I’m comfortable sacrificing a significant portion of my day-to-day activities, I can now look at it a bit differently. True, during the early stages, the same drastic impact on energy, time available for projects, and social commitments faces a significant impact. But, that is, with a similarly oriented partner and the right chemistry, something that has the potential to be replaced rather quickly by enriched copresence.
It’s an interesting thought to reflect on that extremely active single individuals are actually locked perpetually in the least efficient, if perhaps most exciting, stage of dating. It also sheds interesting context to the “I don’t have time to date” mentality and approach. But, it makes a lot of sense if you look at it purely from the perspective of one or two typical dates – no matter how enjoyable – a week effectively consuming 30%+ of your free time for a given week. This doesn’t even begin to include secondary chit chat by text or other channels.
Final Thoughts
For those of you that made it through the entirety of this ramble, I hope there were pieces that resonated. As always, thank you all so much for the pivotal role you play in shaping this exciting journey we’re all on.
The year to come is an exciting one. It promises new grand adventures, exciting entrepreneurial pursuits, and new hobbies and personal insights. With 35 just around the corner, I’m very curious and excited to see what lovely surprises await just beyond the horizon.